Sheryl developed esophageal cancer. What followed was the most difficult and painful time of my life.
Shortly after Christmas of 1999 she started complaining of heartburn. By New Years Eve she was eating antacids every night. When I asked her about it she brushed it off as "acid reflux – like on the commercials.” One night in the middle of January she woke me up with her pain. She was setting up in bed and holding her chest, tears in her eyes. Sheryl had a very high pain tolerance, so I knew it was no ordinary heartburn and I forced her to go to the emergency room.
I wish I had paid attention to her symptoms earlier. I wish I had taken her to the emergency room earlier, I would have had to hold her down and hog tied her to do it but it would have been worth it.
We made one more doctor's appointment. Her weight was down to just over one hundred pounds from her pre-cancer weight of nearly 180. While we were at the hospital her sister Sharon and a friend cleaned the apartment. It helped her morale to come home to a clean place. Between working twelve hour days and trying to care for her, the place had gotten a bit messy. They all asked how the appointment went and Sheryl gave a very upbeat version. When they left – and we were outside – I told them the truth, Sheryl would not live much longer.
We had not been able to make love in well over a year. I couldn't even hold her in my arms because any contact caused pain. It was frustration in the extreme for both of us. She tried sleeping on her side so we could look at each other but because of the med port in her chest and the J-tube in her stomach she could only lay on her back.
All I could do was mix her medications and change her morphine pain patches. All I could do was hold her hand and watch her die.
I realized that I had been feeling sorry for myself for nearly three years. Sheryl’s death had devastated me and I had given up on life. I doubt Sheryl would have wanted that to happen. Jessica made me think – really think – about my situation.
I did not die. My wife – the only true love of my life, the whole purpose and culmination of my existence and my final destination had died. I did not die. I still have a life. I had never given up on anything in my life, so why did I do it this time? I had always found a way to fix a bad situation.
